Harry Potter and the Scoundrels Romance
by Dumblewhore
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Hermione return to Hogwarts for their 7th year after spending last year fighting Voldemort. But it appears they've sustained some brain damage because what the heck? Cedric Diggory is alive? Michael Scott from the Office is Headmaster? DH
1. Chapter 1

**Harry Potter: Year Seven**

**Chapter 1: The paper**

The wind blew over the foot high weeds of Privet drive creating an ocean like wave on the surface. Windows had been shattered by vandals and half of the roof sunken in. But what lay inside was unseen to any muggle who passed by this once prestigious part of the neighborhood.

A lone candle lit a room filled with old torn books and school supplies. This house had been without electricity for the past year.

"Look at all of this junk from Lockheart" said a red haired boy.

"It's a wonder how he even got the job" Ronald Weasly continued.

It had now been a week.

A week since the most historical battle in the history of the magical world.

And it was a long week. But it had to be the longest for one individual. The chosen one. Harry Potter had finally ended the horror, the evil, Lord Voldemort.

"He was ever the charmer," teased Harry "isn't that right Hermione?"

"Harry, you and Ron well know it was only second year. It was just a silly crush on someone I THOUGHT he was. And if I remember correctly, Ron, your mother also had a thing for him."

At this Ron blushed scarlet and the subject quickly changed to a recent addition of the Daily Prophet, the wizarding newspaper.

One thing that made this paper different was the fact that the pictures were not stationary, but actually moved around.

The headline read just what everyone has been crying out in joy, in big black print "Voldemort is dead".

It was the first time in Harry's memory that he read Voldemort's name out of a paper. He was so feared that people wouldn't speak his name.

As the final Death Eaters were killed in battle or denounced their ways, Voldemort had no followers left.

Despite Voldemorts deafeat, Harry was being haggled for interviews more than ever. Reeta Skeeter of all people still tried to get interviews with him insisting he's a close personal friend.

But at this, Harry didn't mind. It was exchanged for the ultimate accomplishment, and relief. The threat was gone, the magical and muggle world alike were safe.

Hermione skimmed the back of the paper and let out a yelp.

"OH!" She smiled enthusiastically "Look who has been named the new headmaster of Hogwarts!"

Turning over the paper she revealed a man with a big nose, not unlike a certain previous headmaster, and a pompous toothy grin. Below the caption read:

"Michael Scott appointed new Hogwarts headmaster by Ministry of Magic"

At first Ron and Harry yelled in outrage remembering Dolores Umbridge, and Hermione, obviously realizing this let out a

"Hem Hem." She pointed at the article below and read aloud.

"Michael Scott, regional manager of Dunder Miflin Scranton Branch in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He has been working with muggles for over 12 years and is now coming to Hogwarts to take over the post of Headmaster."

Below there was also a shocking caption.

"Argus Filch has passed away at 86. Filch was the Hogwarts caretaker for 50 years, he was found in his office and is believed to have died of natural causes.

His cat was nowhere to be seen, but is believed to be living in the castle. A new caretaker has not been appointed, but Rubius Hagrid is the prime candidate for the job."

There was a short silence which passed for a religious one. Filch was a squib, which means someone from a Wizard family with no magical ability. But Dumbledore gave him the post as caretaker, and Harry suspected it had something to do with his sister Ariana.

Ron chose to break the silence "Well hey, at least we don't have to deal with this Scott character and whoever the new caretaker is. We're done with--"

"RON!" Hermione cut across "Be so dense, you can't think that we aren't going to go for 7th year!"

"Are you kidding me? Why bother, we're doing alright." He sputtered

"We're living in Harry's muggle families' house, how can you think this is alright? If we go back, we can get our Newts and we can see some old friends" she said.

Ron obviously confused asked "What friends? Everyone in our year is out of school, remember? Last year was our LAST year"

"But there's still Luna and some of the teachers..." Harry said, agreeing with Hermione. But he had other reasons that he rather not explain.

Ever since recovering the Diadem from the room of requirement he had a lot of questions to be answered. And he also wanted to see the castle. It was his first home, and it meant the world to him.

"So Harry, your scar still hasn't bothered you?" Ron asked

Hermione interjected "Ron for the thousandth time, that scar was a connection between him and Voldemort. If Voldemort is dead, then why would it bother him?"

Taken back Ron pretended to read an upside down muggle book.

"So it's agreed?" Hermione urged, persistent to get their NEWTS "Are we going back for 7th year?"

Ron grudgingly agreed.

"Excellent, train leaves tomorrow" laughed Hermione.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Old foes and new friends**

"WHAT? TOMORROW?" bellowed Ron clearly angry that Hermione had not warned him.

"Yes, but I already have our lists. You underestimate me Ron, honestly." She said. Harry felt she mentioned something like this but he had been really exhausted because his old bed had springs poking through so they were forced to sleep on the floor. The house had been trashed, likely by vandals. The Durselys were never the most popular family on the block. When the trio first arrived at Privet drive, Harry expected the Dursley family to have his things packed up in boxes on the front lawn. But in fact he had not heard from his Aunt, Uncle, or cousin since their departure last summer. In the back of his mind Harry remembered all the abuse he endured in his life at the Dursleys, but he still couldn't help but worry. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. They immediately pulled out their wands. Nobody knew they were here, not even the Weaslys. More than anything they were just trying to avoid the media. Harry crept down the stairs and peered around the corner. And standing there squinting to see if anyone was inside were Cormac McLaggen, Cho Chang, and Lavender Brown. Horrified Harry ducked back behind the wall and told Ron and Hermione.

"How the hell did they find us?" Ron hissed red faced, he broke up with Lavender after a relationship that could be described as little more than a snog fest.

Cormac was a dunce. Harry remembers when McLaggen replaced an injured Katy Bell and he was such a control freak that he took a beaters bat in the middle of a quidditch match and ended up smacking a bludger at Harry's face which cracked his skull. Needless to say, they lost the match. But Cormac was the bloke that Hermione used to get back at Ron with by taking him to Horace Slughorn's "Slug Club" meeting. But her plan backfired when she ended up ditching him at the party.

And then there was Cho Chang. Harry remembered exactly his first moment with her. In fifth year they were standing in the Room of Requirement. And well, all he could remember now was wetness.

"So what are we going to do?" Ron said angrily.

Apparently the two of them had been arguing while he was in a nostalgic state. They rang the door bell this time and Hermione stood up.

"What the hell? You're not going to answer it, are you?" said Ron. He was livid.

Then Hermione pulled out a small purse and starting pushing everything they brought with them, and then Harry catching up pulled out his cloak. They were going to dissaperate.

And without warning or even a yell, the door flew open. And they heard the three waltz over the threshold as if they were coming into their own homes. Ron and Harry were looking around for anything they might have forgotten while Hermione checked the other rooms. And there was a crack behind that told him Ron had knocked over some of Aunt Petunia's china that they had been using. The tinkle of china was loud enough to be heard from downstairs and sure enough all noises of searching stopped. Hermione came tiptoeing into the room and shut the door as quietly as she could. Harry turned to pick grab hers and Ron's arm but they were already gone. Harry had been left behind, and he couldn't believe it. He heard a crash on the staircase that told him Cormac just entered Harry's old bedroom below the stairs. Unfortunately for him he entered it though the ceiling, not the door. Harry couldn't suppress his smile at McLaggens screams for help. But at that moment it felt like an egg cracked on his head. He looked around in time to see a floating purse disappear underneath nothing. And it came to realization that Hermione had casted a dissalusionment charm. Looking down he saw his feet blend into the floor and he heard his two friends scuffle out of the room.

They snuck around McLaggen and headed out the front door. Cho and Lavender seemed like they could care less that Cormac was hurt as they were in the kitchen looking at the muggle cooking utensils. Once they got to the lawn, they gripped each other's arms and went through what seemed like a long suffocating tube until they arrived outside a pub that was not visible to the muggle eye. Hermione cast counter curses for the charm and they became visible again, but no passer bys seemed to notice. They headed into the Leaky Cauldron and as suspected Harry was bombarded with praise for his defeat of the Dark Lord. They hurried to the back alleyway and after a prod with a wand, the brick wall formed into an archway revealing a Diagon Alley complimented by a rising sun.

"Where do we stop first?" Ron asked, surprised at how much Diagon Alley had changed since their last visit in which almost every shop was boarded up. Flourish and Fortescues was no longer a but something that really surprised the three of them was that Ollivander the wand maker was in his shop which was full of soon to be first years. Harry felt like stopping by, but he didn't want to waste time as it was already eight thirty and the Hogwarts Express leaves at eleven sharp. They decided to split up to save time. Half an hour later they met back out in front of Gringotts. Ron came back from the ___Apothecary_, carrying their potions supplies. Harry went into Madam Malkin's to get their gloves, which was the only new clothing they required. They hadn't grown much in the past two years. Hermione emerged from Flourish and Blotts, but she was not alone. She was with what looked like a mirror image of herself. Ron and Harry thought it was something from George Weasley's joke shop. But Hermione introduced the girl as a girl named Emma.

"She's starting out our school this year, she's from America. She'll be sorted with the first years—"

"How embarrassing" Ron cut cross

"—And you should hope she's in Gryffindor, because she was top of her class in her muggle school. Unfortunately she showed signs of magic later in her life then most muggle borns do." She finished with a proud smile.

"Wow Hermione, if I didn't know better…" Ron started, but at that moment Emma checked her muggle watch and asked nervously "Doesn't the train leave in 5 minutes?"

In a frantic scramble Hermione put all of their items in her purse and they linked arms to apparate to Kings Cross. But Emma stood look baffled.

"Of course, she doesn't know what apparating is" Hermione exasperated. "Here take Ron's hand and take deep breath, this is going to be really frightening, just don't let go."

Once again they were sucked into what felt like a tunnel and when they came back to they were standing in between platform nine and ten.

"Where's platform nine and three quarters? It's not here!" asked a bewildered Emma.

"Just run through the wall, come on" said Harry taking control of the group.

They made it time though, and they saw parents being clung to by the first years who were too scared to go to Hogwarts. It brought back memories that Harry wished he had, but he wouldn't change what he had now for the world.

"Where's my ring?" Emma cried.

"OH NO, SHE'S SPLINCHED!" Ron said sadly having past experiences of his own like this.

"No she isn't Ron, if you paid attention to the instructor he said you can't splinch clothing items. She must've dropped it" said Hermione.

Emma hurried off into the crowd trying to find her ring with the letter "P" on it. Harry, Hermione, and Ron got onto the train and found Ginny in a back compartment, sitting with Luna. The two of them were seventh years this year and welcomed them in questioning them on their whereabouts.

The train was starting to shake which told them it would begin, Harry assumed Emma found a compartment with some of her friends forgetting that she had never been to Hogwarts before.

"Have you seen my ring? It's shaped like the letter "P". Have you seen it?" Emma ran around hysterically questioning people. They all wondered how a crazy homeless muggle got onto the platform. But they started to wave at their departing kids.

"TITS! SHIT! TITS MY ASS!" Shouted a blonde youth. "AH SHIT MY TITS! BULLOCKS!"

And there it was, this boy shouting profanity was holding her ring.

"Thanks a lot, are you going to Hogwarts too?" She asked Politely.

"Yes I am, it'd ruddy well time. I nearly though I was SQUIB DICK!" screamed the boy.

"Come on quick, it's picking up speed! It's going faster than my COCK!"

"Alright. Let's go!" Emma giggled.

They hopped on the train and found a compartment to share. Once they got into the compartment the boy handed her the ring and passed out.

Laughing Emma said "Big balls, and good night."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: A messenger on the train**

Emma sat there with the boy while he slept. She had shoulder length blonde hair with curls. Her eyes were a greenish blue and that's all I can really describe her as because she's a freaking picture Nazi. Moving on. She started to wonder where Hermione was. She decided on going to look for her, but didn't want to leave her friend. Her problem was solved quickly as he awoke with a start.

"Bullocks--Where are we?" he asked stretching and rubbing his eyes.

"We're on the train to Hogwarts according to a girl I met in Dragon Alley. How--"

"Diagon," He said, correcting her "It's Diagon Alley. So what's your name pretty lady?"

"I'm Emma. What about you?" Emma asked, discarding this compliment. She's always had a tendency for doing this.

"I'm Danny. Hey how long have we been on the train? I'm starving." He said while rubbing his stomach.

"Have you any wizarding money? All of mine is with this girl I met in Flourish and Blotts." she asked with a thick English accent. Danny didn't know it but Emma is actually from America. She wasn't even speaking like this when they met on the platform, but now it was just a game for her own self amusement.

"No, I'm kind of broke. I've spent all my galleons on making videos for this thing called the internet. I expect you don't know what it is, but it's something muggles use--"

"COURSE I know what it is! It's brilliant." Emma said, appalled at the idea of life without the internet. The two of them stood up and made their way through the train looking for the compartment with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They passed by a door that was part way open. Peering through, Emma saw a boy she slightly recognized. He had a pair of headphones on. He spotted her and got up.

"Hey." He said.

"Oh…hey Joe" Emma said trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. If she could pick into someone she used to know to run into, she wouldn't have picked him. He was a mental slug and wasn't the most exciting conversation in the world.

"So…?" Joe asked looking persistent.

"Sorry, what was that again?" she said after zoning out.

"Wanna hang? We can listen to Rap" Joe said looking thoroughly bored.

"Errr…Well I was--" Emma started but was cut off by Danny.

"Rap is a right out stain on humanity. C'mon Emma, we've got to find your friend."

"Sorry Joe, maybe I'll see you later." Said Emma hoping this wasn't true.

"Oh." Joe said looking blank in the eyes. Moving in and out of more and more compartments, Emma and Danny finally found the room with Hermione in it. Emma opened the door and went in while Danny waited awkwardly.

"Hey, Hermione, I need my stuff, can I get it real quick?" said Emma.

"Sure, give me a minute. Who's your friend" Hermione said rummaging in her tiny purse.

"Oh this is Danny; he found my ring for me." Emma explained while Danny gave a meek wave.

"Here we are"said Hermione, with her arm all the way into her bag now. And as she pulled it back out she was holding a bag of galleons. She plunged it back in and retrieved all of the Emma's books and her robes.

"Danny, move to the side, Luna and Ginny need to get through." Said Hermione, pointing him to the seat beside Ron.

"I cannot believe the Daily Prophet. If there was ever a two faced paper, this would be it. I mean, when Voldemort came back, who was the first person they bashed?--"

"That'd be Dumbledore, actually." Piped up Harry.

"True, and Reeta Skeeter last year with her book. God that was awful." Said Hermione.

"The two of them combined made Dumbledore look nutters." Said Ron.

"And then Harry of course, which caused the whole chain reaction. Damn Umbridge and the ministry. I will never forget those crooks and tugs. That's all they are." Ginny said angrily.

"How's Neville doing?" Hermione asked Ginny. However it was Luna who answered after Ginny looked surprised that Hermione asked, as If she and Neville kept in touch.

"Neville is dating Hannah Abbot. Rather odd pairing the two of them." She said with the slightest air of jealousy. Everyone stared at Luna, even Emma.

"So" started Danny, breaking the tension, "How about an orgy?"

"Anyways." Said Hermione, "I think we should teach Emma some stuff before we get to Hogwarts. You know, just some of the basics."

"Right, let's teach her a Patronus and how to Apparate. Just the basics" Ron said, grinning, "Hermione, look, there are teachers for a reason. Yeah Harry taught us those things, but that's because they were desperate times." Then switching his attention to Emma. "How're you going to be in sixth year if you haven't even stepped foot in Hogwarts?"

"Well I was just going to wing it to be honest--" Began Emma, but she was interrupted by a knock at the door. They couldn't possibly fit anyone else in. There were already seven occupants in the compartment. But it was just the plump witch pushing the cart for food.

"Did you three fail?" She said in an annoyed tone, as if Harry, Ron, and Hermione's being there was disturbing her.

"Do you have anything in the flavor purple?" asked Danny.

"What--No! What the bloody Queen?" said the Witch looking thoroughly displeased.

"DAMNIT. TITS. TITS MCGEE!" roared Danny while the rest of the occupants covered their ears.

Hermione looked out the window and saw that it was getting dark out.

"We better change into our robes" she instructed. And as they finished changing there was yet another tap at the door. Before they got an answer it was slid open and there stood a boy of medium height with short brown hair looking as though he hadn't eaten for days.

"Hey Emma, have you got any pictures?" he asked.

"Who--COREY?!" she screeched, absolutely beside herself. "Where the hell did you come from? Why are you here?"

Laughing, Corey scrunched up his face to where his eyes were practically squinting and his mouth formed a half moon shape, not unlike a slice of apple.

After what seemed like a century he finally spoke "Oh, right. I was supposed to give you this, here, take it, now, c'mon" he said while nudging and poking at her.

"Alright, alright, get off me you creep. I don't know where you've been today." She added, eyeing his dirty robes. He was reminiscent to a certain professor that turned out to be a Werewolf. Emma shut the door and opened the letter. Reading aloud she said:

**Dear Mrs. Wagner, it is my great pleasure to tell you that you have been invited to join me and several fellow students in half an hour. You are a person I am most anxious to meet. **

**Truly yours,**

**H. Slughorn**

"What's all this about?" Asked Emma. Peering over her shoulder was Ginny, and she explained "See, he's the potions teacher at Hogwarts. This is just for his own personal interest. But don't worry, if you don't go, he'll forget. Worked for me and Harry."

"Actually I scared him into not wanting me anymore. After I asked him for memories--" Harry broke off not wanting to go into further detail in front of the two. Then he looked up to see there were two outlines on the compartment door window. Jumping up with his wand he threw it open to reveal the boy who brought Emma the letter from Slugorn and a boy almost a head taller than him. He had puffy brown hair and sunken eyes. He looked like he could be a teacher.

"Can I help you two?" asked Harry with force in his voice. But it was Emma who answered. "Johnny! What the hell is going on? She threw "History of Magic" by Bathilda Bagshot at him. It fell to the ground and both the boys bent down to get it. In doing so they inadvertently touched each others hands. But instead of pulling away, they left them there. There was an awkward pause and then a boy with black eyeliner and a Atreyu t-shirt on leaned into the compartment. For a moment Harry didn't recognize him. Then he realized it was Dennis Creevy. Harry was guessing that Dennis was using a very common muggle tactic for dealing with grief.

"We're going to be at the castle in a minute according to the Head Boy and Girl." He said in a monotone voice. He then sighed and stalked off.

"Well" said Ron getting up "I think it's time for me to say that me and Hermione are going out"

"Ronald! I thought we agreed!" screeched Hermione, although she didn't seem that angry.

Laughing the group stood up. But just as they did, the train shook, the lights went out, and there was a deafening roar heard overhead.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Cloverfield**

They all stood still. There was lots of screaming all over the train.

"Muffliato." Murmured Harry and a silence fell over their compartment. None of them spoke for a minute, deciding to remain quiet would be smartest. Then, as suddenly as the first, another huge crash and another roar. As it was night time and everything was dark inside the train, it would be very foolish to run.

"Lumos" said Hermione and then she dropped to the ground as if searching for lost money. She looked all over the entire floor. When she stood back up she was holding the tiny purse that held everything they needed.

"We have to get outside of the train to dissaperate. The rules of the train are much like Hogwarts. You can dissaperate off of it. So we'll o to be in harm's way for a second or two. Now, Danny, Emma, Luna, and Ginny, you all know what to do right?

"Yeah, we know how" said Luna, who was looking quite pale. Luna and Ginny had learned to Apparate last year. However, despite when she dissaperate from Diagon Alley with them, Emma hasn't learned how to do it. And by the looks of it, neither had Danny. After Harry, Ron, and Hermione gave their best advice, they lit their wands and headed through the corridor. They couldn't see to any of the doors.

"Alomorah" said Hermione lightly, and the group walked out. They stood together looking up at the beast. It as bigger then a Giant. It was bigger than a hundred Giants. A huge beast with long jagged arms and huge claw hands, each one the size of a Threstle. It had some sort of shell over its head, arms, and legs. But Harry, remembering his time in the Triwizard Tournament and the blast-ended Skrewts aimed at its belly screamed "Stupefy!" Nothing happened. He was starting to panic, what if this thing killed an innocent person? Screams, yells, cries for help pierced the night. And that's when Harry saw him. Flying through the night sky, outlined in gold. It was Fawkes. Dumbledore's pet phoenix. Harry hadn't seen Fawkes since Dumbledore's funeral. But Fawkes was carrying something in his beak, and whatever it was, Harry hoped it would help. Swooping down, the beautiful bird set down a weathered bag that looked like it could be a cousin of the sorting hat.

"Thanks Fawkes." He said, as the bird flew around the monster which was still terrorizing everyone. Harry looked into the bag. The contents of the bag were displeasing to say the least. There was a flat soccer ball, a brown handkerchief, and what looked like a deflated balloon filled with milk.

"WHAT THE HELL" yelled Danny "WHY DO YOU HAVE A USED CONDOM IN YOUR PURSE?" Reality dawned on Harry as he held what he thought was a milk balloon in his hand.

"May I have that?" asked Luna, pointing at the used condom "I think it would make a neat necklace." Emma let out a snort, and despite the beast destroying things left and right, it seemed that everyone stared at Luna. Suddenly there was a loud crack behind them, and they turned around just in time to see a flat faced man with a large forehead and horn rimmed glasses walking forward, wand held out pointing at the beast. It was too loud to tell, but Harry could swear that he was muttering incantations under his breath.

Then with fire in his beady eyes, he roared above all the screams "BEARS. BEETS. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. BE GONE!" And with a wisp of smoke, the monster was gone.

"You seven" he said, speaking to the group "Come with me. I am your team leader sent by the headmaster. We're to arrive at the school by apparition. Come now children, you are the future."

"Are you a new teacher?" asked Hermione, who usually knew these things.

"I am a team leader." He said.

"What does that even mean?" said Ron defiantly. Scowling he answered "You're just a dirty little child and your parents didn't want you."

"So are we going to school or not?" said Ginny "I need to eat."

They all lined up with the guy claiming to be a team captain. And quickly and quietly, Harry felt as though he were being sucked through a long dark tube and only until he thought he would suffocate was when he finally came back to. He was staring up at the beloved castle. The first place he ever called home. Groups all around him were appearing too. Harry, Ron, and Hermione led the pack to the front doors of the castle. Harry felt weird not being peered at by a suspicious squib caretaker. But it was their team leader who stopped them before going inside.

"Hello everyone, I am your new caretaker. Dwight K. Schrute." He said with a malicious smile.


End file.
